Confessions
by N.Q. Wilder
Summary: Can a person be defined by one single belief? What follows is a four part story arc that delves into the ruthless and cold Commander Shepard. Character tags change per chapter: will have Miranda, Garrus, Kasumi, and Liara. Tali and Thane mentioned.
1. Undocumented

**This is a four part story arc following an extremely cold and ruthless Commander Shepard. Each chapter hints at one thing that defines the commander and the final chapter will reveal what it is. Hopefully, this should be an interesting mystery for the reader and I encourage you to look for clues within the text. The storyline is complete so I should upload all the chapters within a matter of days.**

**Criticism is always welcome. Enjoy.**

**~N.Q. Wilder**

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**Undocumented**

Hands folded on top of the desk, ankles crossed beneath her chair, Miranda considered the commander with a steely gaze. Their formal acquaintanceship was only several days old at this point, but Miranda had a two years advantage on the commander. Two years and every scrap of information that existed about the woman. It felt reassuring to see Shepard sitting in her characteristically relaxed posture - or at least relaxed for a soldier - arms crossed beneath her breasts, leaning back with her head resting on the wall behind her and green eyes looking at Miranda with an unreadable expression. That last part, admittedly, bothered Miranda to some degree; after all, her job required that she be able to read the commander perfectly. But it was not unexpected. There were several words that the people she had interviewed about the commander repeated; detached was among the most frequent.

The reason for Shepard's presence in her office was also expected. All previous research had indicated that the commander had a penchant for conversing with her crew, though not for personal reasons. Past records and current surveillance showed that Shepard routinely made rounds to all individuals of the crew in a repetitive order, almost as if she were performing a list of errands. There was no indication that she derived enjoyment from the interactions - with the exception of her talks with Mr. Vakarian, which Miranda noted to keep an eye on - and yet Shepard continued to inquire into the lives of others. Of course, Miranda was smart enough to know that Shepard was probing everyone for information, trying to ferret out where loyalties lied and what made each individual tick. Now it was Ms. Lawson's turn under the microscope, but she hardly minded. She had an undeniable lead on understanding the commander.

"Simply put, Shepard, my job is to make sure that you succeed," she said, answering the commander's earlier question of what exactly Miranda was charged by the Illusive Man to do. "I spent two years of my life bringing you back. I spent two years learning everything about you." Then with a hint of satisfaction she added for emphasis, "I know everything there is to know about you."

But Shepard's reaction sent Miranda fumbling for an explanation. The dark haired woman threw back her head and laughed. That single action defied everything Miranda knew about the commander. No one who had served with Shepard reported hearing her laugh; in fact, many people had gone out of their way to comment that Shepard seemed humorless. The most Miranda had ever managed to find in the woman's past when it came to laughing was perhaps a small, derisive chuckle from time to time, but nothing more. She suddenly felt like a scientist in some uncharted part of space; was she the first to hear something completely undocumented? What did this mean?

"You think you know me?" Shepard said through her laughter. Her voice carried a snide amusement and a hint of a challenge.

Miranda frowned and had to refrain from sniffing indignantly in response. Shepard obviously doubted how thorough Miranda's research had been. People seemed completely unaware of how documented their lives actually were. Everyone left a footprint, and Shepard's was a large one. The challenge Shepard had implied was certainly not lost on Miranda either, and she intended to show the commander just how good she was at her job.

"Shall we start with your life back on earth?" she asked coolly. "Raised as an orphan and ward of the state until age eight when you ran away and joined the Tenth Street Reds. You killed approximately twenty opposing gang members and one fellow red during your rise to lieutenant. However, politics within the gang - resulting primarily from the fact that you killed your predecessor - resulted in you seeking escape from earth via the Alliance Navy."

Miranda was about to jump into Shepard's service history, but Shepard cut her off by leaning forward in her seat, resting her elbows on her knees and saying, "I don't doubt that you know my entire history." Her face was again unreadable, but those jade colored eyes were like a pot of boiling water with anger threatening to spill over. "You claimed that you knew everything there is to know about me. That's a weighty claim, Ms. Lawson."

Miranda blinked uncertainly and fidgeted in her chair. What else was there to know? Shepard's motivations? She could list off the reasons behind all of Shepard's major decisions. She joined the Alliance to escape the threat against her life. Her behavior on Torfan was in line with her belief that the mission must be completed at any cost. All her decisions in the fight against Saren were cold, pragmatic, careful. Shepard was not a woman of faith. In anything. Not a gambler in the least. She only ever bet on the sure thing. What else was there to know?

"So, let's hear it then, Ms. Lawson," Shepard said. Her voice was a razor edge and Miranda had to suppress a shiver. Then, as if she had been reading Miranda's mind Shepard said, "I'm sure you know that I never leave anything up to chance. But I believe in one thing. The one thing I have faith in despite a lack of proof. So, let's hear it. What is it?"

_One thing?_ Miranda thought. _What could it be?_ Ideas flooded into her mind in no particular order, but each she quickly dismissed, one after another. _The Reapers? No, Shepard isn't like the council, she knows there is sufficient proof. Could it be God? No, there's absolutely no indication of a religious leaning. In fact there's evidence to the contrary. Human superiority? No, her friendship with Mr. Vakarian was proof against that - Shepard seemed to give all species equally little consideration._ A hundred different ideas came to mind, but they were all just as ridiculous.

"Your drive defines you..." Miranda said softly, trying to buy time while she worked out the answer to Shepard's question. She knew the answer. Surely she did. She just needed time to pick out the right piece of information. "You always accomplish your goal. You have a singular focus on completing the mission." She knew that she was rambling, spitting back the information she had on Shepard. But the answer was there, somewhere. Her drive defined her, made her different from other people. Even Ms. Chambers had commented how atypical Shepard's reaction to being brought back to life was, in her weekly reports. The commander didn't seem to care in the least that she had been dead or that she was brought back from the dead. It was as if when she was told that she was brought back to fight the Reapers, Shepard just shrugged off any concerns about her rebirth, picked up her gun, and charged after the enemy. But what did that mean? What was it that Shepard believed in that would make her respond that way?

However, Miranda was yanked from her thoughts when Shepard suddenly rose to her feet and glared at her from across the desk. Her hands were fists at her side, biotic energy sparking along the length of her arm. The dark haired woman bared her teeth and the muscles around her neck tensed noticeably. Miranda almost pushed herself back from the desk in panic. All reports had indicated that Shepard was rarely angry. To see the commander visibly upset was bad. Really bad. There was no telling what the woman would do with that anger.

"You're dodging the question, Miranda!" Shepard spat. "I didn't ask you to tell me what any person who has ever served with me knows. I asked you to tell me who I am. I asked you to tell me what I believed. The one thing that defines me."

Gripping the edge of her desk as if it were a shield against herself and Shepard's rage, Miranda stared wide eyed at the commander. _Completely unprecedented_, her mind squeaked. _This behavior is completely undocumented. I must have hit a nerve._ But Miranda had no idea what nerve she had hit. An answer. She needed an answer.

Wondering what Shepard would do if she offered a wrong guess, Miranda quickly said, "Survival! You believe in survival!"

The thought had come suddenly and she had said it before analyzing it. But it seemed right. Shepard was a survivor. She never gambled with anything that might result in her death. She was careful and pragmatic. She was fighting the Reapers for survival, to live. Miranda smiled with satisfaction. Yes, that was it. Survival. It fit the evidence perfectly.

The biotic energy surrounding Shepard dissipated as her shoulders relaxed and she frowned. The rage behind those jade eyes was gone, replaced by a glassy stare. Miranda had to control herself to keep from letting her smile widen till she was grinning from ear to ear. Winning felt good. Proving that she really did know everything about Shepard felt good. Nothing could escape her grasp.

Shepard's eyes fell to the floor and she seemed to study it thoughtfully. "I guess it was too much to ask for," she murmured, more to herself than to anyone else.

When Miranda heard those words she was suddenly struck with the realization that she had been wrong. She didn't know how she knew, but something about Shepard's voice informed her that her guess had been wrong. And the commander sounded genuinely disappointed. It seemed that Shepard had hoped that Miranda could answer the question. Had wanted desperately to lose the challenge she had set. And looking at the dark haired woman before her, a look of grief etched across every inch of her body, Miranda felt terrible for failing. It went beyond just her disgust at realizing that she didn't know everything about Shepard that she thought she did; she felt like she had failed this woman that she had no reason to owe anything.

Almost as quickly as Shepard's mood had changed to disappointment, it shifted back to her neutral expression. If someone else walked into Miranda's office right then, they would never have an indication of the conversation that just took place. The change was... eerie. It reminded Miranda of how unknown Shepard had just proven herself to be.

"I'll let you get back to work, Miranda," Shepard said in a business-like tone. Turning swiftly on her heel she exited the room while Miranda stared after her.

When the door closed Miranda's lips twisted into a snarl as she slammed her fist on the desk. The datapads sitting in a pile on the corner of the desk jumped several inches in the air at her outburst. That conversation had ended wretchedly. _I know everything about, Shepard!_ Miranda thought bitterly. _Nothing in her history indicated she believed in one important thing!_ She let out a puff of air as she leaned back in her chair and crossed her arms. The whole thing was ridiculous. To think that an individual could be summed up by one thing was just absurd. But here Shepard had just insisted that she was an individual defined by one belief. Maybe the woman was crazy and had no idea what she was talking about.

But Miranda knew that wasn't true. Shepard had been adamant. There was some idea in that brain that defined the woman. Something speculative that she had faith in...

With a violent shake of her head, Miranda pushed herself away from her desk and stood looking out of the window into the open void. There had to be a way to figure out the answer. It was her job after all. The Illusive Man would no doubt watch the surveillance video and see that embarrassing conversation, and he would want some kind of answer from Miranda. Her blue eyes glanced at the terminals at her desk and she thought of the countless files about Shepard on her hard drive. She could scour them again and look for clues. The mental image of the commander standing before her, roiling with biotic energy and demanding an answer from her, filled Miranda's mind. Sighing as she looked back out the window, Miranda knew that looking through the files again would be pointless. The answer, as much as it pained her to admit it, wasn't floating out there in the galaxy. It was unquantifiable. Unknown.

At least one thing about Shepard - the thing that mattered the most - was beyond her grasp. Undocumented.


	2. Ghost

**Let me be clear: I don't hate Tali. You may read this chapter and be like "Oh, hey, that's not cool! Tali is great!" I love Tali as a character, really I do, but I have to bow to what the story demands. So please, don't take any offense. I just do what the writing commands me to do. Anyway, I hope I got Garrus' characterization right in this. He was fun to write (so was Miranda actually).**

**~N.Q. Wilder**

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**Ghost**

Garrus took the metal tray from Gardner and scanned the mess hall, trying to decide whether to take his food back to the forward battery and work on some more calibrations or stay. The table was empty except for Commander Shepard sitting with a tray of food in front of her and studying a datapad in her hand. He watched as she absentmindedly stabbed a piece of food with her fork and raised it to her mouth, eyes never leaving the pad in her hand. If it was just Shepard, Garrus decided, then perhaps he would stay instead of going immediately back to work. He walked over to the table and dropped the tray down directly across from the dark haired woman before sitting down.

"I'm glad you were able to help Tali out in her trial," Garrus said, trying to start up a casual conversation.

"Hm?" Shepard murmured without looking up from what she was reading. "Oh, yes, the trial." Her voice was distant, as if the event had happened a long time ago rather than just two days. "Turns out all I needed to do from the beginning was give the admirals the finger, and I could have avoided wandering around that damn ship."

Garrus considered her tone of voice carefully. Shepard did not sound angry, she rarely sounded angry, but he was surprised by the overall lack of emotion. Tali had been with them since the original Normandy after all; the quarian was a good friend of his and he had always assumed a good friend of Shepard's as well. "Well, if we hadn't gone on that ship we never would have found out what really happened. And we never would have found Tali's father."

Peeling her eyes away from the datapad, Shepard looked at the turian as if she were weighing him in her mind. Then she just shrugged and returned to her reading. Mandibles twitching down, Garrus tried to decide what that shrug meant. He knew that the commander was a hard woman to understand, and not just because she was a human. Often he heard other humans complain about her cold attitude and distant nature. Before now, he had always chalked it up to her professionalism; he never saw her in non-military clothing, looking disheveled or worn out, or without her black hair tightly pulled back into a bun. Simply put, she never looked civilian. She never looked like she couldn't handle whatever came her way. But he had slowly come to realize that perhaps his experience with Shepard was not the same experience that others had.

Thinking back to the Alerei, when they had stumbled across the body of Tali's father, Shepard had stood stoically to the side while Tali grieved over her father's death. The most the commander had offered for comfort was the suggestion that perhaps Rael'Zorah had been cut off before finishing his message, but she had not persisted when Tali did not believe her. And now she seemed completely unconcerned about the outcome of the trial. Maybe things were not as he thought.

"Uh, Commander," he said after checking to make sure no one else was listening in. "I thought Tali was a friend. I thought you would be happy that everything worked out during the trial."

Those green eyes fixed on his position like the scope of a sniper rifle. Frowning, Shepard put down the datapad and leaned back in her chair. "Why would you think that, Garrus?" she asked, as if making idle chitchat.

Caught off guard, the turian rubbed the back of his neck with his talons nervously. It was not the response he had expected. "Well, uh, she was with us when we stopped Saren."

Shepard smiled, but it did not reach her eyes. It was the kind of smile that a teacher would give to a student while patiently trying to explain something complicated. "Tali and I will never be friends, Garrus. There is too much in our lives that separates us: experience, morals... our fates. I think we are destined to keep passing by one another without ever making contact." Her jade colored eyes wandered slightly as she thought about something; Garrus wished he knew what it was.

In his mind, Garrus had to admit that he was shocked. He had assumed that the kind of easy camaraderie he had with Shepard was the same relationship that others had with the commander. Now he wasn't even sure if he was right about whether Shepard even considered him a friend; if he had been wrong about her relationship with Tali, who was to say if he had any idea of how Shepard felt about him. "If you don't like Tali, then why did you even bother to help her?" he asked, trying not to sound accusatory.

Her eyes flicked back to him with a slightly confused expression. "I never said I disliked Tali," she replied.

His mandibles twitched in surprise. Now he really wasn't sure whether he understood the commander at all. "But you said that you weren't friends and you don't seem to care about..." he trailed off before saying "her feelings", not sure if it would anger Shepard.

But the dark haired woman just shrugged and said, "Not being friends is not the same as disliking. Tali has excellent tech skills. She's very useful. The problems that I have with her are the same problems I had with Kaidan, and I was always able to work with him."

Shaking his head, Garrus said, "Maybe I've taken too many shots to the head to comprehend all this. I thought you liked Kaidan. You saved him on Virmire after all." After he said it though, he immediately regretted it. Shepard had never talked to him about Virmire. He had no idea how she felt about leaving Ashley to die and whether bringing it up would upset her. If it had been his call, he knew he wouldn't want to revisit it.

But Shepard surprised him once again by actually smiling, as if she had just figured out why Garrus couldn't understand any of this, and leaned forward, folding her hands on the table. Chuckling she said, "Actually, I probably have more problems with Kaidan than I do with Tali, especially after Horizon. Sometimes I forget how emotional you are, Garrus." She didn't say it in an mean way, more like she was just stating an obvious fact. The turian wasn't sure how to respond so he moved his now cold food around with his fork. "But I guess if I'm going to explain myself to someone, I don't mind explaining it to you. Kaidan and I had some serious problems from the beginning. He was insubordinate as hell - I lost my temper with him on multiple occasions. Ashley was opinionated too, but when you told her to get back in line she jumped right back and stayed there. I didn't mind that Kaidan didn't approve of the way I handled my operations, but I did mind that he felt like it was his place to tell me about it. If I hadn't been so busy with Saren, I would have taken steps to put him in his place." Shepard grinned and shook her head, as if reminiscing about a comical memory. "I was not surprised when he turned on me at Horizon. Anyway, I'm rambling now. You wanted to know about Virmire. I don't make my decisions based on who I like better, Garrus. If that were the case, Ashley might be sitting right here next to you. I do what is best for the mission. Ashley was a damn fine soldier, but she was just a soldier. Kaidan is an excellent medic and has great tech skills. He was more valuable for the mission. Also, I was going to make sure that bomb went off, no matter what. He was lucky enough to be sitting next to the nuke at the time."

"I had no idea that's what you thought," Garrus admitted. He paused for a minute before saying, "I think I understand what you mean about not letting your personal feelings get in the way of something like what happened on Virmire, but I don't understand why you would go out of your way to help Tali if you have problems with each other."

Shepard tilted her head thoughtfully. The look in her green eyes told him that she was weighing her answer carefully. Somehow he knew that the answer she would give would not be the whole truth. "If I refused to help her because of our differences, that would indicate that I think we are different because my choices are right and hers are wrong. It's probably the other way around, really. But that's not how I think." Her face twisted slightly as she seemed to reconsider where that train of thought was leading. Changing tactics, Shepard sighed and said, "Let's put it this way, Garrus. If I only worked with the people that I trust, then we'd be running a pretty tiny operation here and I'd never get anything done." With a small grin she added, "Hell, you're only on my trust list as long as you manage to stay in my good graces."

Garrus felt a spark of pride at being told that Shepard trusted him. He had thought and hoped that that was the case. It was especially nice to hear now that he knew that the group was apparently very select. "Don't worry, I know what happens to the people that piss you off," he joked. "But, uh, out of curiosity, who else is on your list of people to trust?"

"You're awfully nosey today," Shepard teased. "Like I said, it's a small list. You, Liara, Wrex - or at least I trust that I know how he'll react to whatever decisions I make - and Councilor Anderson. Though there's a big asterisk by that last one," she added bitterly.

His translator stumbled on the word _asterisk_, trying to give a few alternatives that made no sense. "Uh, what does ass-teer-rex mean?"

"It means that there's a giant ass exception to that last name. I trust Anderson, **but** if he's caught between me and the Alliance I think he'll just do nothing at all. He won't betray me, but he won't help me either."

"Oh," Garrus said quietly. Continuing to poke his food idly, he tried to piece together all the information he'd just gathered about Shepard. Memories of the old Normandy flashed through his mind and he searched them for signs of how the commander had behaved around others. Always distant, sometimes harsh, but rarely ever angry or passionate. Maybe that was it. Never passionate. It was like Shepard never got emotionally invested in anything. The turian suddenly realized that he knew almost nothing about the commander's interests outside of battle. Did she like music? Art? Vids? Did she do anything for fun outside of fighting the next enemy?

_By the spirits, I know nothing about her!_

The thought jarred him to the core. He knew her preferred method for clearing a room of enemies. He knew how she held her pistol and how she meticulously lined up headshots. He knew that she believed there were few problems a well placed singularity couldn't solve. But he knew nothing about her personal life. He didn't even know what she was fighting for.

The question bubbled in his chest, trying to find a way to the surface. Yet, it was a thousand pronged question and Garrus had no idea how to ask it. As he sat, trying to find a way to coax some sort of truth out of Shepard, his opportunity slipped by.

The dark haired woman tucked the datapad under her arm and rose to her feet. Lifting the tray in front of her, she said, "You should get Gardner to reheat that food. I'll see you later, Garrus."

The turian's eyes studied her perfectly neutral expression as she walked past him in order to give her empty tray to Gardner before doubling back to the elevator. He couldn't remember if he said anything back when she left. The realization that he didn't really know the commander completely consumed him. Even more chilling was the thought that perhaps nobody really knew her. Sure, she affected everything around her, dragging everyone else along in her wake, but it seemed that she did her best to leave as little of a personal impression on the galaxy as possible. If she were gone - when she was gone - the galaxy would feel the loss of Commander Shepard, but not the woman.

_A ghost_, Garrus thought with a shiver. _She's trying to be a ghost_.


	3. Redemption

**I hope that this is an unnecessary disclaimer, but I'll say it anyway: I do not dislike Thane. Like the first chapter, this story is written around a Shepard who is extremely cold and... well, emotionally scarred. She doesn't like a lot of people. Her fighting with Thane is a moment where she lets the mask she wears slip.**

**Anyway, I have mixed feelings about this chapter on the whole. I like certain details, but I wonder if I give too much away and if it's too clue heavy. If anyone has an opinion I'd like to hear it.**

**Oh, and if you're curious as to why this chapter follows Kasumi instead of Thane (the logical choice) there are two reasons. First, it is more fun to write from Kasumi's point of view in my opinion, and also I needed someone with an intense curiosity and penchant for puzzle solving to pull off what I wanted in this chapter. I also wanted to keep a certain level of distance from both subjects (Shepard and Thane). Enjoy.**

**~N.Q. Wilder**

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**Redemption**

Savoring the feel of paper crinkling between her fingers, Kasumi turned the page in the book she was reading. As she took a deep intake of breath, she could smell the warm, musty odor of the ancient relic; a mixture of dried glue from the spine, the old leather cover, and years of traveling from hand to hand had marked the book with a distinct scent that the thief found oddly comforting. Other people probably thought a desire for these old books was a silly inconvenience, but of all the things that Kasumi owned her books were perhaps the most precious.

She was completely absorbed in the book when a sudden crash of metal striking metal jarred her from her reading. Head snapping up, her eyes darted around the room quickly to identify the threat, but she found herself alone on the observation deck. Eventually her eyes rested on the far wall, the one that separated her room from the life support deck where the assassin, Thane Krios, spent his time. The noise must have come from there. Resting the book on the couch as she rose, Kasumi crossed the room and pressed her ear to the wall to listen in. She could hear a loud, although muffled, voice coming from the other room.

_It must be Shepard_, Kasumi thought, although the realization was startling. No one visited Thane except the commander, and she could hardly imagine Thane shouting. Yet, it was almost as impossible to imagine Shepard shouting at one of the squad members outside of battle; but Kasumi could see the woman shouting if someone was doing something detrimental to the mission. But what could Thane have done to endanger the mission? He always seemed so relaxed and had never questioned the commander's orders. _He must have done something though_, Kasumi concluded. _Shepard wouldn't shout about anything personal. Yes; more likely that Thane did something he shouldn't have_.

Shepard was nearly as secretive as Kasumi when it came to her personal life. Ultimately, the thief had mixed feelings about Shepard's clandestine nature. On the one hand, as a professional in her field, Kasumi had to admire someone who so diligently guarded their secrets and maintained focus on the goal. But as the commander's subordinate Kasumi couldn't help but feel uneasy and concerned. When Cerberus had offered her the contract, she had been curious about the famous Commander Shepard and intended to see what was so special about this woman, but had also resolved not to become another mindless admirer. _Well, at least I'm not mindless_, Kasumi told herself with a grin. There was something fascinating about the woman, and maybe it was the mystery, but Kasumi could also see how destructive the commander's behavior was. Either Shepard was so emotionally reclusive and asocial that she kept a tight lid on all of her personal feelings, or she was keeping distance from others out of necessity. Biting her bottom lip as she thought, Kasumi concluded that the first option was unlikely. Shepard was far from socially inept since she had a magnetism that drew people to follow her. But the second option... it was certainly possible.

And Kasumi wanted to know the reason Shepard kept her distance. There was nothing she couldn't steal after all. Even if the vault was the commander's head, Kasumi would find a way in to discover the secrets.

_I might as well start by investigating this little mystery_, the hooded woman thought as she sidled over to the corner of the room. Pressing her hands against the ceiling, she found the panel that slid aside to reveal an entrance into the duct system and pulled herself up gracefully. Although it was only a matter of feet to reach a slatted vent that looked into Thane's room, Kasumi moved slowly so that the assassin wouldn't hear her moving through the small, metallic space. Before she reached her destination, she could hear Shepard's voice more clearly and the commander sounded pissed.

She only caught the end of what must have been a rant. "- for your actions?"

Thane's reply was calm and level like always, but he certainly sounded alarmed by Shepard's outburst. "Drell see it differently. It is hard for you to understand." Kasumi reached the vent and peered down into the room, while still taking care to stay in the shadows so that the assassin's keen eyes wouldn't pick her out. She activated her cloaking device just to be safe. Thane sat with his hands folded on the table, staring across at Shepard who was standing with fists at her side. Behind her was an overturned chair leaning awkwardly against the wall. _That must have been the source of the noise_, Kasumi thought. Obviously, whatever had upset Shepard had caused her to rise to her feet unexpectedly and send the chair tumbling back against the metal wall.

"No," Shepard growled, a threat lacing her tone. "You can't say it's different and leave it at that. It isn't different!" She slammed her hands down on the table and glared at him. "You are responsible for every action you take, just as I am responsible for the things I do. There is no difference."

The thief raised an eyebrow and studied Thane for an answer. What _had_ he done? Even in battle, Kasumi had never seen Shepard so angry. But surely, she would have heard if Thane had done something to endanger the mission. If it was really that big of a deal, Kasumi was sure she'd have heard about it.

"Shepard you have to understand," Thane answered diplomatically, though there was an audible strain to his voice. "Drell believe in a soul distinct from the body. As I understand, humans also believe this. We just take it more literally. My body may kill people, but my soul does not."

_What on earth is this about?_ Kasumi wondered. _What does philosophy have to do with this argument? Did Thane kill someone that Shepard wanted to keep alive?_

"Don't give me that bullshit!" Shepard snapped. "You make your own decisions, no one makes them for you. I've killed a lot of people. I've hurt people. I've done terrible, horrible things." Shepard spat out the words quickly, but also emphasized what she had done. To hear the commander admit to so much harm made Kasumi shiver. "And you've killed people, Thane. You've hurt people. You've done terrible things. But the difference between us is that I own up to what I have done. When I die, it will be with all those sins upon my soul." The look on Shepard's face was so grave that Kasumi suddenly felt ashamed for eavesdropping on the conversation. If the commander caught her listening in on this outburst... there was no doubt in Kasumi's mind that Shepard would make her regret it. Immensely.

Still, she couldn't tear herself away from the argument now. It seemed obvious that what Shepard was saying was important, as well as a major slip-up. Her rage had gotten the best of her and she was revealing something of herself that no one else was ever meant to hear.

"You know, at first I thought we were a lot alike, Thane," Shepard said as she began to pace back and forth. Her posture spoke of a barely contained anger, a predator stalking and biding her time. "When you killed Nassana you said that you had to pray for your wickedness. But now you're telling me that you don't feel any responsibility for the lives you've taken. Well, which is it, Thane?"

The drell shifted his shoulders slightly before answering, obviously weighing his response. "My employer killed Nassana. My body was simply the tool that was used. The prayer for the wicked was to purge myself of any wrong doing I might have accidentally done along the way. Anything that might not have been done directly out of my employer's will."

The commander's eyes were narrow slits when she shot a fierce gaze at him. "Unacceptable," she spat, as if the word tasted toxic in her mouth. "Stuff like that can't just be erased. You can't just say you're sorry and expect to be forgiven. Do you think the mother's of the soldiers I sacrificed on Torfan would forgive me if I told them I was sorry? How about Ashley's sisters? Would it make any difference if I said I didn't want to sacrifice their sister? They'd still hate me, and rightly so. We have to carry the people we kill with us, Thane. There is no forgiveness for people like us."

The drell sat silently, staring at Shepard as if she had transformed into a different person. And in a sense she had; at least, she was no longer the same woman Kasumi had known before. To hear Shepard speak now, it almost seemed like she were uttering some kind of religious dogma - though her stance on there being no forgiveness was counter to most religious doctrines. Yet, the similarity still felt eerie coming from Shepard. Kasumi had always pegged the commander as a woman completely removed from belief. Now, that same woman stood talking as if she knew something other people did not; and that something was far beyond the physical world. _Does this have something to do with the fact that she died once already?_ Kasumi wondered. _Maybe she _does_ know something other people do not._

Still standing across the table and staring intently at Thane, Shepard suddenly blinked rapidly as if she were surprised to find herself on the life support deck. Obviously it had just dawned on her how much she had let slip and she was uncharacteristically wide-eyed and unsure. Kasumi leaned forward intently to see if the commander would try to back-pedal on what she had said or if she might become angry at her own outburst. Then the commander's green eyes were gazing intently in Kasumi's direction and the thief instinctually shrunk back. Her heart pounded wildly as she wondered if Shepard had seen her and dread sat like acid in the pit of her stomach. But the commander's stare passed over the vent and scanned the rest of the room just as intently. Kasumi realized, with a great deal of relief, that Shepard must be thinking about the hidden monitoring devices in the room placed there by Cerberus. No doubt the Illusive Man would see the video of that little rant, not to mention Miranda too. By her pained facial expression, it was clear that the thought did not please Shepard.

With slow, deliberate movements, Shepard bent down to pick up the chair she had knocked over and righted it at the table. Even from her view up near the vent, Kasumi could see the tight line of her jaw and her thin lips. Then, with a bitter tone Shepard said, "Forget what I said, Thane. Do whatever makes you happy. It isn't my place to tell you how to live your final days." Despite the semi-apologetic nature of the statement, it sounded far from repentant. Kasumi could almost hear the mental kicks Shepard was giving herself for being so careless with her secrets.

Before Thane could reply, Shepard moved past him and headed for the door, her fists clenched at her side. Kasumi stayed where she was for a while, just watching the drell who seemed equally as confused and disturbed by the event as she felt. Her brain felt like it was split in two: the logical half trying to piece together all the new information she'd learned, while the emotional half felt sympathy for the woman she had come to respect. It seemed abundantly clear now that something was tearing Shepard apart on the inside. Something that as time went on kept rising to the surface, threatening to overcome her. And she carried it alone - maybe because she had to, maybe because she didn't know if anyone would understand - and she would continue to carry it alone.

A sense of helplessness filled Kasumi as she realized that she couldn't help Shepard. Even if she could figure out what Shepard's secret was, she wouldn't be able to save her from it. And it was unfair. All she could do, as selfish as it was, was hope that whatever it was, it wouldn't destroy Shepard before the commander defeated the Reapers. The irony of it made the thief want to slam her fists against the walls of the ducts.

Shepard was the only woman who could save everyone in the galaxy, but no one in the galaxy could save Shepard.


	4. Confession

**Final chapter and the big reveal. Also, a much needed character arc :). As mentioned in earlier chapters, this Shepard trusts Liara as much as she does Garrus, and those two individuals are the only two people she cares about. This takes place during the Shadow Broker mission, right after Liara has assumed the role of the Broker. I veer from the canon in this re-imagined scene, but I assure you that I do not alter the outcome. Since I'm sure this may be a question: yes, Liara and Shepard's relationship is meant to border on the line between friendship and romance (since I feel like it does in the game if you don't romance her), however it stays safely within friendship for the reasons Shepard gives below.**

**To those who have reviewed, thank you for your kind words and I am glad that you took the time to read this story. Since this is the last chapter: to those who may review in the future, thank you as well. I will try to reply to any questions via PM, but otherwise know that I appreciate you taking the time to review. I'll stop rambling now and let you read on.**

**P.S. For those who are curious, the poem that is referenced here is a modified "Spring and Fall" by Gerard Manly Hopkins. I highly recommend looking it up.**

**~N.Q. Wilder**

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**Confession**

Shepard watched Garrus and Feron leave the Shadow Broker's office with a calculating expression. Her whole body tensed and readied to spring into action. When the door finally clicked shut, she reached for her sidearm and drew it. Liara, who stood with her back to Shepard, turned at the sound. Her eyes widened in confusion, but Shepard ignored her and crossed briskly towards the Shadow Broker's console while saying, "Let's get rid of this database, Liara. I don't have a sledgehammer, but a few well placed bullets should do." Her right arm swung out to aim at the exact center of the computer. Her eyes glowed with determination.

Jarred into action, Liara leaped towards the commander, hands waving frantically and fear noticeable on her face. "What are you doing, Shepard? There's no need to destroy all this. We can use it to stop the Reapers!"

The marine's eyes narrowed in response, her upper lip curling into a snarl. "I don't need this to complete my mission. No good can come of this. I'll remove the temptation to use it."

Liara sprang forward and grabbed Shepard's arm, forcing her to aim away from the console. If it had been anyone else, touching Shepard would have been a death wish, but Shepard was undeniably softer with the prothean expert. She seemed to hold back some of her harshness around Liara. "Be reasonable, Shepard," Liara pleaded. "All the data in the galaxy is right here. I can use it to help you. Please."

Shepard looked angrily at the woman who held her arm in order to block the shot, her jade eyes searching the blue ones for a long while. Her mouth was still twisted into a grimace of disgust, but her stillness spoke of hesitance. Finally, she pulled away from Liara's grip sharply and said, "You've done enough for me already, Liara. You don't need to do any more. Being the Shadow Broker is not clean work. You don't want that."

The asari's eyebrows raised at the unexpected concern in Shepard's words. It wasn't like the commander to give up anything that might help her in her fight against the Reapers. It wasn't like her to take a chance. The Broker's information was a powerful tool; Shepard would never willingly give up that advantage. Liara said, "Shepard I... I've already done terrible things in order to get to this point... I know what has to be done. Why are you so against using this resource?"

Uncertainty filled those green eyes. "It's not too late for you to go back to the way things were, Liara. You can walk away from this. Please, just walk away from this." _You fool!_ Shepard's mind screamed. _You shouldn't even give her the choice! Why don't you just put a bullet in that damn computer and be done with it?_ But she didn't raise her gun again.

Liara frowned as she answered, "I can't go back, Shepard. Not after I know everything that I do about the Reapers. How can I just pretend they don't exist?" She tried to reach out and rest a hand on Shepard's arm again, but the commander quickly evaded her by stepping back. Unfazed, Liara went on, "But why does this matter so much to you? I want to help you; why are you pushing me away?"

Shepard rounded on her angrily, "You think I want to? I'm trying to protect you! Why can't you just do as I tell you? This isn't your path, Liara! This isn't your fate!"

"Fate?" the asari asked. "What do you mean, fate?"

Mentally kicking herself, Shepard let out a low curse. "Forget I said anything," she snapped. "Just trust me on this." Those green eyes refused to meet Liara's blue ones again. The commander shifted her weight uncomfortably and pretended to be more interested in putting away her sidearm.

Raising an eyebrow, Liara pressed on, "What do you mean by fate, Shepard? You aren't the type of person to believe in fate." She watched as the commander uncharacteristically squirmed while trying to answer. Never before had the asari seen Shepard so uneasy.

"I don't." The dark haired woman said. Then she added, "I mean, not every action is planned out. There could be some things though that are unavoidable for certain people... Certain things beyond our control." Suddenly she shook her head. "Why am I talking about this? I don't want to debate philosophy. We can destroy this base, Liara. A few well placed explosives and bam! It's gone. It would be good for you."

But Liara wasn't about to be distracted; she knew when she had unearthed something valuable. She had stumbled upon something no one had ever imagined existed within Shepard. Now, she just had to bring it into the light for study. "So, some people could have predetermined fates? Like what?" She phrased it innocently enough, hoping to lure the commander back into disclosing her personal thoughts.

Shepard wasn't biting though. "No, we're not talking about my personal beliefs, Liara. We're talking about the Shadow Broker." Mentally she dug her heels in for the argument ahead.

Yet, Liara wasn't the same naive scientist she had once been. She could play the game just as well as Shepard. "If such things as fates existed," she mused, "then the trick would be how does one go about discovering their fate? And once one knew his or her fate, why bother struggling anymore? What will happen will happen regardless of whether you work towards it, right?"

Shepard knew what Liara was up to. Her lips formed a thin line, and she didn't trust herself to say anything in response.

"It seems obvious," Liara went on, as if she were merely trying to puzzle out a trivial problem, "that if someone knew their fate, it would make their life so much easier. You wouldn't have to do anything at all, just wait for events to happen."

Before she could stop herself, Shepard found herself shouting in rage. "Easy? You think it's easy? It shades every damn thing I do! Do you have any idea what it's like to have that kind of knowledge in the back of your head all the time?" As soon as the words were out of her mouth, the commander flinched.

Liara managed to smother a satisfied grin and pressed on gently, "What's always in the back of your head, Shepard? Do you think that you know your fate?"

The dark haired woman looked around the room slowly. _No Cerberus cameras_, she thought. _Nothing to record a confession. Just one other soul. A soul that might be saved if she only knew... Maybe it's time to tell someone. _There was a long period of silence in the dark room, but Liara waited patiently. Finally, Shepard came to a decision.

Taking in a deep breath, she said, "You know I am not a woman of faith, Liara. I don't believe in anything I can't see or touch with my bare hands. Except for one thing. It haunts me wherever I go, dogging my steps and always present in my mind." She turned her head to look out the window at the storm raging outside. A flash of lightning illuminated her face before leaving shadows across her features. "To die..." she whispered, more to herself than to Liara. "No mouth had, no nor mind expressed, what heart heard of, ghost guessed. It is the blight man was born for... It is myself I mourn for." Old words that seemed more real now than they ever had in the past. When her green eyes drifted back to Liara's pale blue orbs, Shepard knew that the asari would not recognize the lines of poetry, but she hadn't uttered them for her benefit. Drawing herself up to her full height, straightening her back and lifting her chin, Shepard steeled her nerves. "I have known, from a very young age that I would not die in some quiet, peaceful way. I would not grow old, or have children, or ever stop fighting. I am destined to struggle my whole life. I was so young when I realized this that I did not grieve the loss of my future. By the time I was old enough to realize what I had lost, I had lived with the knowledge long enough to not feel much. Then, when I joined the Tenth Street Reds I realized that not only would I not die peacefully, but that I would die in battle, probably in some painful way."

Liara's eyes were wide and her face paler than usual. She fumbled to offer some kind of comfort. "Shepard..." she whispered, attempting to close the distance and place a hand on the other woman's shoulder, but Shepard shook her head and stepped back.

"No. I need to say this all now. Everything. Or I will never say it out loud. Please... just listen."

Liara froze mid-stride, but nodded for Shepard to continue.

Taking a deep breath, the dark haired woman went on, "Later on in my life, when I joined the Alliance, I realized that when I died, it would be in service to humanity; which was an oddly comforting thought, I suppose. Though, at the time, I thought I would simply die in order to complete a mission - the same risk that every other soldier takes. It wasn't until the events with Saren and Sovereign that I realized the extent of my fate. I am destined to die in the fight against the Reapers. If I succeed, and stop the Reapers from harvesting all life in the galaxy, then I will not be around to see the victory. But I will make sure that when I die, I take the Reapers with me. I am determined to succeed."

The confidence in her voice hung in the air, reverberating against the walls of the ship. But her face did not share the same quality. Those green eyes seemed glassy and she averted them from Liara quickly. "That's why... That's why I've done all that I've done: to make sure that I am able to fight that final battle. So that I can defeat the Reapers. The horrible things I've done... I did because I could not risk dying before I could fulfill my destiny. Saving Joker... that was my moment of weakness. And it got me killed. My last thoughts were that I had failed in my purpose. Then, confusion as I wondered if maybe I was never destined to see that final battle after all. But fate refused to release me from my duty. Dying once and coming back, it's just convinced me of what I already knew: that my death was decided a long time ago."

Raising her eyes back to the asari, Shepard could see that Liara was struggling to accept what she had said. No doubt she was skeptical that what Shepard had said about her fate was true; the commander could hardly blame her, she had little proof to back up her claim. But now they were both too far down this path for either of them to go back. It was true: Liara could never just be a prothean scientist again. She could never go back to innocence. Yet, maybe - just maybe - if they came to a fork in the road somewhere down the line she could convince Liara to go a different way. Until that time, however, they would have to walk side-by-side and Shepard had to be honest with her only traveling companion; it could make all the difference in the end.

"I hope that you can forgive me, Liara," Shepard said quietly.

Tilting her head and raising an eyebrow, Liara asked, "What for? I don't understand."

Shepard sighed. "For everything. For getting you into this whole mess. For not forcing you off the Normandy at the first civilian port we reached when we met. For the cruel things I said to you sometimes... For pushing you away so harshly when you - when you told me how you felt."

Realization lit Liara's eyes and she gently took a step towards the commander while answering, "I never wanted to leave the Normandy, Shepard. I wanted to help you fight Saren. I wanted to stay with you."

Shepard twisted away from Liara and paced back, elongating the distance that Liara had gradually been attempting to close between them. "I know, and I knew then too. And I was stupid, selfish. I let myself get torn between wanting you around for comfort and wanting to protect you. In the end I pulled you down this path with me. You have to understand I never wanted this."

"You wanted me around?" Liara asked meekly, hopefully.

Letting out a frustrated sigh, Shepard looked the asari straight in the eye. "Of course, I did, Liara. You and Garrus were the only people who never judged what I did. Wrex too, I suppose, but he's different from you. You never looked at me like I was a monster for the things I had to do. You were everything... everything I could never have. Innocence, a hope for the future... I wanted to protect you for those reasons, but I also wanted to keep you close to make myself feel better. A vain attempt to have some sort of friend before the end. I was stupid."

Again, Liara inched towards Shepard. "That's not stupid. I wanted to be your friend too. It's not stupid to not want to be alone."

Shepard's frustration rose to the surface and biotic sparks erupted along her body as she pulled a chair from across the room and sent it careening into a nearby wall. The crash echoed across the chamber, punctuated by a growl that tore from the commander's lips. "No! You don't understand, Liara! I'm going to die, and soon! How can I do that to you? Or anyone? Come into your life when I know that I will leave it just as quickly and in some horrible, violent way? It isn't fair to you, or to me! I want you to run away from me, Liara! I've tried pushing you away, but you keep coming back and I'm tired of being cruel to you when it only hurts me. I want you to wash your hands of all this. Let me do something good for a change! Please!"

The biotic glow surrounding the commander faded as she let her head fall into her hands. Her normally orderly hair, slicked back into a tight bun, was falling around her face in small tendrils. From where she stood, Liara could see the many scratches and scuff marks on the woman's armor, some new and some old. She could never recall seeing the commander this unraveled, this vulnerable.

Liara began to tiptoe forward, trying to be as nonthreatening as possible. "Shepard, I-"

But the commander's head snapped up as Liara approached and the fire was suddenly back in her green eyes. The biotic glow around her body licked the air like blue fire and the power roiling off her hit Liara's senses in waves. A threat, a warning: don't come any closer. "Stop!" the dark haired woman commanded. "Why can't you listen to what I say, Liara? Don't come towards me!"

But Liara ignored the threat and continued to inch forward. "You aren't my commander anymore, Shepard," she said firmly. "You can't just expects me to obey your orders anymore."

Shepard's face twisted into an expression of pain and fury. "Dammit, Liara! I'm not kidding around! I want you to run away from me. From all of this. Please! I don't want to hurt you!" As if to accentuate the point, the biotic field around her pulsed and sparked.

Liara remained unfazed and continued her march forward, never taking her eyes off Shepard's. "You will not walk into the darkness alone," Liara stated with conviction. "I choose to walk alongside you, regardless of the outcome."

_No!_ Shepard's mind screamed. _I can't force Liara down this path. There is still hope for her future. I refuse to have something to lose in the end. It isn't fair. I will sacrifice myself, but I will not place Liara upon the altar to be lost as well._ The fear and helpless rage within her filled her until she could hardly see straight. The room lurched all around her, though she could still see Liara walking resolutely towards her. Somehow, Shepard knew, she had to stop this.

It seemed to take no effort at all to push all her biotic energy outward, sending it like a battering ram to push Liara back. All she was aware of was the energy leaving her body in a great tide, a roar escaping her lips, and seeing Liara pushed back. In her haze, Shepard couldn't tell if the asari had raised any barriers in defense. She couldn't recall how Liara looked when she hit the opposite wall. And now her head was spinning so fast she could hardly think. Using that much biotic energy and without any control was an amateur mistake - a kneejerk reaction. It left her head foggy and caused her stomach to pitch as she suddenly felt the energy drain from her body. Stumbling forward, Shepard fell to one knee and knelt hunched over, staring at the ground that shifted before her eyes.

At that moment her thoughts focused on the purely visceral. She closed her eyes to fight back the nausea rising inside her, but her arms trembled at her sides. Sweat coalesced at her brow, sliding down her temple and coming to rest along her jaw. Slowly, her thoughts drifted to what she had just done. She had pushed Liara away, maybe hurt her - she couldn't bring herself to look. If Liara hadn't gotten her barriers up in time... there was a strong possibility that Shepard had killed her. She wanted to weep. Wanted to dredged up all the muck in her soul and empty it from her body in one torrential sob. But when she reached for her heart, for the tears, she found a hole in her chest and hollowness. Her eyes remained dry, pressed tightly shut, while her breath rattled about in her throat. It occurred to Shepard that perhaps she didn't know how to cry anymore. Perhaps all she could do was tremble and sweat. It wasn't the same, but it was all she could do.

On the other side of the room, Liara lay sprawled in a heap after colliding with the wall. Her head rested limply against her shoulder and the wall while her eyes remained closed. A small trickle of blood flowed from a split lip, dripping down the front of her shirt in spots. She was fortunate enough to have raised her barriers in the last possible moment, but the force of the biotic push had still sent her flying back to slam against the wall with considerable force. Some time passed before her fingers twitched and her eyes fluttered open. Grunting and rolling her head to an upright position, Liara stared across the room at Shepard who remained knelt down with her head bowed as if she were paying homage to royalty. Gripping her side, Liara slowly rose to her feet and limped over to the commander, albeit cautiously.

Shepard didn't notice Liara's approach, or anything for that matter. A hand on her shoulder startled her out of her guilt-ridden trance and her head snapped up to gaze at Liara. She immediately noticed the blood on the asari's face and her bent posture which showed that she was in pain. But she was alive. Shepard opened her mouth to say that she was sorry, to beg for forgiveness, but she couldn't seem to find her words. All she could manage was to stare open mouthed at Liara. She wished that she had tears to offer the asari instead of the sweat dripping down her face.

"I think," Liara said suddenly, her voice surprisingly calm and even, "that maybe my fate was decided a long time ago too. Maybe I am destined to walk with you right up until the end. And maybe we will not end up in the same place, but we will still share the road." Her blue eyes were searching Shepard's green ones. "Maybe my path will veer off before the end, though I will not be upset if I must walk all the way with you, but it is still too soon to say what will be." Then she knelt down beside Shepard, her face close to the commander's and a determined look on her features. "Maybe neither of us are in control of our fates anymore, Shepard. Just as I cannot save you from your destiny, you cannot save me from mine. All we can do is fulfill our roles."

Liara pulled Shepard into a tight embrace, even as they both knelt awkwardly on the floor. She felt Liara's lips press lightly against her cheek, a speck of blood sticking to her skin, and then a whisper in her ear. "You will always be my friend, Shepard. We will see where this path leads together."

And suddenly Shepard felt warm water running down her face and an ache in her chest. She blinked in surprise as she realized that she was crying, but she also smiled. It felt good to feel something for a change. She knew that it didn't change anything in the end. Regardless of whether she was alone in her fate or not, the outcome would be the same. But it still felt good.


End file.
